Before anyone else points this out, I was running late this morning, I keep my Bustello in my room. So I took my coffee mug and stirred my two heaping tablespoons into the warm water so I could guzzle that down before I showered. Yes, that is a face scrubber thing as well.
That’s how I left my bathroom today, and someone had to actually point out how bad this photo is. Talk about different perspectives, I was embarrassed to even admit I buff my face with this contraption, Someone else told me it looks like I’m back on the smack. Clearly, as evidenced by other items in the picture, i.e. Axe hair gunk and behind the Bustello, is a tube of Clinique for Men Moisturizer, (get it at Amazon for $32.99. an $11 savings over retail, by clicking HERE ), I care way too much about my vanity these days.
There was a dark time a long time ago, in a hotel room in Boca, like 2001, where I was sick and waiting on the dope man, who was only 10 minutes away, i.e. at least an hour, (humor for the addicts out there) and the girl I was with bought some Jack Daniels coolers. She left on a quest for heroin around the skeezy motel, and I’m looking at these little bottles…a mind completely caged by obsession, so I made the decision that if I shot this Black Cherry malt liquor into my vein, I might get the tiniest bit of relief…so that’s what I did.
Nothing happened really, but I was hooked on the needle as well as smack. It brought placebo relief to me. For about 10 seconds I swore I felt better. Enough of that. I have no idea why that once forgotten memory popped back into focus, other than give just one more example as to how far gone I have been. Extracting Opana with paint thinner would be another. I constantly gambled with life, my health, and fought through hell to fall into an early grave.
Today, I laughed at that spoon, how it was so obvious but the thought never dawned on me. Life is about actions, follow through on altruistic thoughts, pure intentions. I think if you’re in my life today, you know I help wherever possible, not because I think karma keeps a scorecard, or I want to get something in return, but just to help. I remember what it was like to have the world cave in on me, to be told to leave a house in 9 days instead of 30, and face it with not a soul that cared. Sometimes the sense of impending doom is just a mind game, others it is reality knocking on the door.
To be fair, I created that situation, no one would help me because they knew that I was getting high. Truth be told, any money I got would have gone to just stave off reality that much longer. So when a friend, who is not an addict, goes through that same situation, I”m going to help in any way I can. I’m grateful I can do even a little for her. The world is so carnal right now, and I struggle in getting rid of a big character defect-lust.
I know I need to pray on that one, I get it. I am honest in the fact that I’m not looking for a relationship right now, and if something else happens along the way, I would gladly welcome it. My heart is in various stages of repair, and I’m not just attaching it to someone else’s these days. Actually I’m struggling to detach it from someone. It’s kind of a ball in her court type thing, and I get to dose patience way past the recommended daily allowance.
So there, I’ve just somehow rambled about my quintuple servings of Bustello and patience I stomach daily. I’ve grown, I know I don’t need anyone to “complete me” – FU Jerry Maguire. I understand I want someone to compliment me. The steps taught me self-esteem, self-reliance, and a host of other gifts. In more simple terms, God doesn’t make junk. The world shoves its definitions of beauty and success down our throats. I’m less than impressed. I feel sorry for those who feel defined by material bullshit. Happiness isn’t in a designer purse. It just carries your other shit around. Every watch tells time, and frankly, my cell phone does a great job as well. It would be a good time to read more about Pope Francis, that man drips humility and altruism.
This takes people out left and right here in Recovery City, USA. The guys shoot steroids, get some designer clothes, hook up with someone and before you know it, they are in love and shooting dope. P.S. – you’re far from clean on the juice. This applies to kratom, kava, and the all the other substitute, legal highs. Shit, alcohol is legal, weed will be soon, I guess that’s cool too? To the rehabs and halfways where staff prey upon girls with 15 minutes clean, wow, just wow. Your hidden dirt may not be public knowledge, but that dirt is a stain that’s never washed away. It’s PRAY, not PREY. For fuck’s sake think of others instead of yourself. Living spiritual will prove impossible when attachments give you a false sense of worth.
Addiction is a selfish disease. The steps, the psychic change, the God stuff, all of that makes us selfless.What used to matter to us, more, more, more, in way more than drugs, leaves too. We hear it all the time, drugs are not Mike’s problem, Mike is Mike’s problem. So I don’t have to lie, cheat and steal anymore, more importantly, thank God, I don’t have to ever live in fear again. I spent way too long conjuring reasons why I can’t do something, that caused me to isolate myself, that caused me to latch on to the first warm body that came along and liked me. Easy to not be rejected when she already admitted interest.
Why do I keep my Bustello in my room? I’m super possessive of that. It’s probably a carryover from DAF, where I first fell in lust with instant espresso, an illegal item I kept on me at all times, why I wore two pairs of shorts, so no staff would find anything when I emptied my outer pockets, and no one could steal that precious commodity. If you need a cup today, I’m giving you the recommended teaspoon, unless I’m nearly out, then you’re on your own…progress not perfection? Promptly admitting I’m wrong? I don’t know, but it doesn’t much affect my spirituality these days, because if you want help and I’ve got it, it is yours.
Peace & Love,
-MFJ
Sarcastic, shameless book plug: If you haven’t bought a copy of Shoestring Theories you really should. I just give away most of the proceeds anyway! No link, just look it up if you’re interested, Amazon.
Blurred Clarity 