Independent Breaks #5


Our toes danced in the sand. It was the way the sun reflected off her hair, a million shades I could discern if given the ability to stop time. If I had that, I’d be frozen in a moment, like that first time, when passion burnt away our fears and we played in their ashes. I would have never left that place. Love doesn’t die, it’s murdered. Cornered, it’s the only conclusion. Forced confession doesn’t mean it’s not true. I fucked up the beauty of those captured moments, I poisoned our memories and was too complacent to treat my problem. I put the knife to happiness’ throat, watched it bleed out. I put the gun to her chest and played Russian roulette until she won freedom and I lost sanity. I am set up to fail, the knight, in eroding  armor. Subconscious successes get that way by my conscious failures, the world forces loneliness so that I can once again retreat to the only comfort I’ve known.

Adjacently we sat staring, the chemical make up of two intelligent brains,
Only distanced between the relationship pattern it struck by the introduction we’ve always had
Doctor, Patient
The well and the sickly, damsel, by all means so distressed… once more
I always wondered if this establishment tried a ploy on me by a distraction of yet another man, if indeed a cure by a man would entirely fix the issue?
If only the issue was the men itself and not the sick little girl, dying to escape my inner workings of my mind…
Developmentally educated, outspoken with a lady like twang, I cursed the moments when an uneasy emotion aroused itself.
The classification read: E for Emotionally Unstable
Reality: Highly Functioning until Co-Dependency Role is revived (Patient is “Caretaker”- but yet “perpetual victim of circumstance”)

An actress, constantly getting ready for the days performance
Same script, different characters
Unless my Nike’s beckoned the calling off again, to re- write something so similar
The harsh reality of the common denominator,
Can 1 cancel out I? So many vague attempts already tried that route, nevertheless unsuccessful.
Rattling inside my purse, it sounded joyful like a child’s toy, but yet concealed was a sack of psych pills, as if the cure was to medicate a chronic love addict, drowning in my sorrows.
The pain that never ends, due to my own wrong doing,
Yet I’ll quickly blame whomever he is at the time for the instability in my lifestyle.
Slithering away from labels, but rightfully choosing one, it’ll read “fragile’ ” like an European shipped box
Any outsider glancing in at this freak couldn’t grasp it.
How a woman like “this” could perform but refuse to connect?
Mesmerizing when speaking with posture like a goddess, to all I knew the hunger of love from my inner, frail child was dying slowly
The unavailability was very present
As I churned and stuffed when my child attempted to reach out
Hasn’t she learned yet? The opinions are invalid?
Exposure would invite predators and my table only sat one.
The fear of being found but the wanting to be caused a conflict internally
This woman, Me, I was at a war
With No Weaponry.
Harvesting the mental killing fields.
Another murdered love affair fills my nostrils
The stench of maggot ridden gray matter.
What made her tick, where did I go wrong?
Reading her letters, offers of forevers, promises of fidelity.
Cleverly penned traps, my heart fell for that almost instantly.
Her beauty and grace snared my random dreams
Built a prison out of my crosses.
Why is everything empty?
So barren my whispers echo ?
I have my freedom but I can’t move.
It’s getting comfortable here, in this place of loneliness, surrounded by shame
And vibrant memories I’m desperate to erase.
My pacing increased externally trying to jump ship from the body I had
My armor was fully removed
Loneliness had crept it’s ugly head around my corner, snuck into my bed and nuzzle itself safely.
It wasn’t going anywhere.
My heart bleeds black, the blood rushed itself dry…
I’m waiting to crack & crumble.
Hopelessness is the beauty of defeat.
My strung out, drawn in eyes buried themselves face down in my sheets,
Don’t wake me till this reoccurring nightmare finally ends.
I’ve died a 1000 deaths already, this one seems the most painful
I can not figure out why the reasoning is to why he was suddenly different from the others.
Was it the shadowy exit? Or the reality of it all being a perpetual delusion of my own sick mind…

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