A vital lesson I have learned in recovery is this: My relationship with myself will always determine my relationships with others.
Learned a lesson or two being ground to dust at the end of her stiletto fears.
A little easier to expect a hair above nothing so I can squeak by on minimal effort.
We’re symbiotic that way, at least before defining the roles of host and parasite.
Not that either of us has much nourishment for the other.
It’s hard to grow strong from decay…
But I’m doubting that knowledge is going to stop me from falling.
Actors all very similar in face.
I remember this feeling- and all of those feelings
His ego grew till eventually the table at which we both sat
It could only just seat him
The life I pictured several times over was misplaced beyond a bad decision
Glueing them together just with less and less left
Once upon a dream.
I drift, upwards, I’m floating far away as a roach skitters across the floor
I’m happy where I am, mainly because roaches disgust me
But I’m held back, by something, not shoved down, just imprisoned.
No, I’m contained. Passive aggressive restraints…
I don’t know who is the what and certainly can’t define this paradoxical ascent
Like gravity got lazy or selective and my dopamine darlings made a deal with the devil, Backroom type of shit.
Signing on the dotted line is dated, was it ever barely connected?
Kind of feeling like that, holding on to chemical tricks to be here…alone.
The sugar ants have picked up the scent and march
Back and forth to somewhere
Anywhere might be better than my head
I miss her- her flesh, her touch, her forced smiles
I’m dirty, mind on the never ending pleasure quest
Don’t think I saw her slip away, too busy separating our broken hearts…
Too busy filling in the gaps with a stranger’s pieces
I did this
I am this…betrayal
Nameless, faceless Dopamine Darling, never let me go.
I constantly dimmed myself
The tears wouldn’t stop rushing
Repeatedly rehearsing it
Always chiming in ” But my dear, I say worse to myself alone, shall I help you?”
Unforgiving of all these strangers I convinced myself I had once knew