True Love Starts Here


scarlett

Yes, it starts most definitely with Scarlett.
No, that’s completely wrong.

Seriously, relationships are legitimate killers, especially in recovery. Scenarios I have lived through, thank God:

  • A lot of us have been here: Rehab romance aka medline love. Let’s see, rehab 1-Tiffany, length of the relationship- 3 days. Basis: sex, drugs, and I don’t remember her taste in music, but let’s go with rock and roll. Rehab 2-Jess, length of relationship: 18 days. Basis: Sex, while in inpatient, some drugs I snuck in after being allowed to go to Pittsburgh, but no rock and roll. Rehab 3- Christina- Length of relationship- ballpark it around 3-4 months. Basis: Sex and poetry. In fact, as fate would have it, I have a poetry collection you can buy here, called Loco Motive(s). The drugs came separately and independent from each other. Please note, while I experienced longer relationships, they all ended, with drug usage.
  • I go to meetings, I really get this, so we should get together and talk recovery, and fall in love after we fuck. For brevity’s sake, I’ve been here, too many times. These are the ones that sting, because the fall is quick and complete, head over heels soulmate shit. Life looks normal, we get an apartment together, we work, we spend every minute we can together. Average time to a needle in my arm, if it wasn’t already there, few months, except for Beth, where we hit 4-5 months, and both held together. We of course reunited when I fell off the wagon, and she wanted to do the same, which is a whole other purely insane thing, and ironically, bullet point #3.
  • Let’s do drugs together and have sex and convince ourselves its legit love. I have a memoir if you didn’t know it already, called Shoestring Theories, you can buy by clicking here, that summarizes these relationships, and from a purely physical sensation point of view, they are awesome. Until the heroin or drug use becomes so bad, sex isn’t a desire, or I couldn’t avoid nodding off in terrible, umm, positions.

By the way, DAF, my hopefully most recent and last institution, was inpatient rehab #5. I fell in love with nobody from there. I stayed away from lunchtime note passing and the “can’t wait to see you on the outside” bullshit. It wasn’t repetition that taught me any of this, although you would think it most certainly would have. Addiction is varying degrees of insanity, numerously manifested afflictions, and I can so easily lose myself in a relationship as easily as heroin.

Tinder blogs? There’s always an element of truth in a lie, or a funny blog.

What’s different?

Me. No one completes me. Sorry Hollywood, romance novel writers, today I am looking for someone who compliments me, and I don’t mean tells me I am an awesome writer or cook. I want someone who mirrors me, who has self-respect, self-esteem, and is selfless. Who doesn’t beat herself up for past sins, and wants to share life together. In short, we not only accept each other for who we are, but we admire each other for who we strive to become. Like attracts like.

Full disclosure- I am not a saint, i.e. the Tinder stuff, I never mislead anyone though, and I have had some ups and downs, but I have always been honest, to the women and to myself. I have gone out with “normies,” I’ve gone out with addicts off drugs, and I am still around, at peace. I’ve been on dates strictly on looks, and others on personalities and smarts. I have the clarity to never react to another person’s actions or decisions, but respect them.

The conclusion: I have seen so many struggle with relationships, and I did this for years. Decades. Read  the memoir. I defined co-dependent and dysfunctional, without drugs. That’s why things are different. I call myself recovered due to working the steps, and living in 10, 11, and 12 daily, to stay, and strengthen my spiritual connection. I don’t have to feel insecure about anything. I am confident, not arrogant. I am peaceful, not lazy. While I have hopes for a future with someone, that’s not up to me, and I won’t ignore what’s right in front of my face waiting. No one defines me, I get to do that for myself, and it’s why the way I am, I feel and don’t ever have to feel less than because as long as God’s will and mine are aligned, my actions are going to put me exactly where I need to be at this very moment.

I love me, for every fault and strength, for every vulnerability and asset. That’s where true love really begins, on the inside.

Peace and Love,
MFJ

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