I am a joker at heart, always have been. Not much I take seriously, and since I don’t openly discuss politics or religion, I am always jovial unless I’m on my period. There will be no Mr. Darcy or Elizabeth here, other than the Keira Knightley photo I heavily edited above to avoid any © infringements.
I worked the steps because I tried every other way to get well but remained sick, actually got even sicker. Now I work 10, 11, and 12 daily, I call myself recovered, because I have been freed from a hopeless state of mind and body. How I got that was reestablishing a connection with God (as I understand the jester up there in the ether) and growing it everyday. If you’re my sponsee, I get you through the steps, that’s all. I’m sure as shit not giving relationship advice, and I don’t need to hear from you upon waking, and going to bed.
I take the responsibility of sponsorship seriously, because it is deadly disease. This notion of a “Relapse” being alright, it’s just a stumble, guess what- some people fall and don’t get up. A sponsor walks the talk. I am not perfect. I am not God. The point of the steps is to find Him/Her/It because nature is perfect, and those who have read Shoestring Theories (more shameless marketing, click the title to buy it) know there is a definite order in the chaos. I needed clarity, or I was going to die.
So, to the sponsors out there drinking Kratom, taking your prescribed mood/mind-altering chemicals, even giving a Xanax or Suboxone to your fucking sponsee, then shooting steroids into his ass, I say Fuck You. What 12-step book says this shit is okay? It’s an honor to sponsor another man. It is a huge responsibility. You don’t need to have 19 sponsees that you trot around meeting places like prize-winning cattle. Stop pseudo-sponsoring women, to crawl into bed with them, just because weed is legal doesn’t mean it’s okay to smoke it. This isn’t a fashion show, this isn’t something to brag about. There is something cool about being in recovery. I take pride in that fact.
What does recovery look like? It’s about attitude- a humble one, a grateful one. It’s in the actions. Especially the ones no one sees but you and God. Doing well has zero to do with a collection of designer clothes, Jordans and getting tattoos everywhere. “I buy shoes that cost $1.57 to make, and pay $200/pair and they stay in the box.” WTF?
Get some integrity, do the right thing for the right reason, not acclaim. Do something for someone today and the gift is a rush inside the soul, and it gives me incredible, unshakable peace, so act accordingly.
The greatness of a man is not in how much wealth he acquires, but in his integrity and his ability to affect those around him positively. – Bob Marley
So put down the joint. Go through the steps honestly. While I still struggle with certain things, especially relationships, I don’t have a needle in my arm, I have neutrality in my life. I have peace. I have conscious contact with God. While my name is on the book, and it is my story, I don’t doubt for a minute God wrote the perfect screenplay, it unfolded brutally at times, but that just made the beauty of a shoelace that much more perfect.
One last thing- the truth hurts. I know this from being a fake, pretending that I was clean years ago when my wife left me and that ended up with me being a speedballing deathseeker. Oh, and a COMPLETE scumbag. Today my head is held high, I look people in the eye. I promptly admit I was wrong when I lose my cool, or say some smartass sarcastic comment that someone takes the wrong way. I act out of love, to the best of my ability. This just needed voiced, cataloged in the clouds.
As this no doubt will prove to be a controversial topic, I am sure to revisit it.
Living Peacefully and Lovingly