I Promised I Wouldn’t Cry


I love my vintage pictures, thinking everyone knows this. Some are of human anatomy, others abandoned buildings, typewriters, medical equipment, prisoners, asylum dwellers and  carnivals. This page is filled with famous woman from the 1920’s-60’s. Someone asked me the fascination with all these dated things, and I didn’t have to even think about the answer:
               “Without it, we wouldn’t be here. We wouldn’t have this moment, right now.”
Granted, when applied to me, and my perceptions, it is way more complicated than that. I like old glamour, beauty wasn’t so complicated, and ridiculous physical ideals weren’t being set for women to chase. It’s all good until you love someone with a body image problem and they starve themselves to death. Photoshop and the airbrushers, graphic artists that use them to create perfect curves, complexions etc to sell more magazines and consumer goods should be brought up on charges.

Chasing beauty is noble, but I can tell you sure as shit beauty isn’t on the cover of Cosmo, or O magazine for that matter…Oprah zingers….a weakness of mine…and her’s since Hostess made a comeback. Hypocrite…yeah, yeah, I am, but only if again we look at beauty as all this exterior showy shit. What’s sexy? Confidence, peace of mind, humor and humility.

A year ago, things were much different for me. I was ugly, I was as low as I thought humanly possible to go, and then dug a little bit deeper. 362 days ago I embraced suicide, completely devoid of the slightest bit of hope. and I prayed to God to come home to heaven because I could not do another second of life. God, or at least how I get him, is a funny fucker, and man can he set up a story, to make that moment writers call a plot twist, and movie reviewers label “Shocking,” “you never see that coming,” etc.

By the way Shoestring Theories available in 2 weeks…
Sad depressing poetry, available now: Loco Motive(s)

So I googled, poorly- grace pics.

W._G._Grace,_cricketer,_by_Herbert_Rose_Barraud #originalhipster
Apparently that’s an Irish cricket God named WG Grace. Vintage though. even without the word in my search. I also got this:

grace-jones-face_173981-1280x800

After flashing back to Ms. Jones’ roles in Conan and James Bond, I am thinking inspirational grace quotes or memes would have been more search engine friendly and yielded better results. But I learned something, even if I have no idea how cricket works.

That said:

He who learns must suffer. And even in our sleep pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, and in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God. – Aeschylus.

God, I understand the lesson. Finally. I lived through June 7th, 2014-Solely by the grace of God. On June 18th, 2014, I crawled into a state run rehab. The list of interventions by angels, spirits, and God in just between those 11 days absolutely floors me. Those God moments were impossible to ignore, and they kept coming, and through that grace, I was blessed to have that psychic change, a spiritual awakening and I worked my butt off to gain peace.

Also this:

Grace is not part of consciousness; it is the amount of light in our souls, not knowledge nor reason. -Pope Francis

I am not lucky. I used to think that. I used to curse waking up, now I know luck isn’t involved. I’m where I need to be, and the past brought me here. I am blessed. I have something I must share. God gave me something precious. For that I am grateful, for that I am humble.

Peace, Love
MFJ

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