What’s Crazy and How Do I Find Her


crazy eyed love

For the sick and suffering, to those I know, to those I don’t, I know you’re all out there, devoid of hope, nearing the edge where the insanity detonates the fragments of morality into vapor. I keep you all in my prayers, those I know by name, and those anonymous that exist everywhere. I wish it were as easy as telling them to give up on this war, because drugs always win, that it’s the only way to have even a chance at recovery.

To have a choice again is a powerful gift, to fight for recovery is an inspiring, praise worthy thing. To shed the wreckage of the litany of selfish actions and get that connection back with that God guy, is life altering. I think about all the new friends in my life, those who never knew junky Michael, were never lied to, manipulated or stolen from and how they love me. Strangers that used to recoil from the sight of me on the street, smile and say hello today. Those who did feel the sting of my evil have every right to feel about me as they choose. That word again-choice. I can be helpful or I can be selfish today, I can chase material bullshit to feel some sort of worth, or I can pass on a new t-shirt and help someone struggling that is trying to do the right thing.

I am grateful for all the simple things in my life, all those who care about me, and I can only pray that active addicts stop digging their bottoms deeper. Being alone is a terrible, crushing emotion, watching a grown man shudder – I get that, because I was that very same man not that long ago. While I know and understand God smacked me in the face, literally, to wake up, I earnestly believe all we have to do in life is pay attention and the opportunity to change, and then pursue a life of selfless endeavors, presents itself. Maybe that’s the frustrating thing for everyone who is in recovery, or knows an addict, they are shut off from the spiritual aspect of life, the very thing that makes us human.  This was me- I knew, I just never understood.

For some, there will never be an opportunity to rediscover hope. Some may get a chance at recovery, and mistakenly squander it because they are too wrapped up in fitting society’s worth and definitions of success, not comprehending self-worth is what matters. My t-shirt is white. It doesn’t need a fucking logo and a high price tag to give me security and value. There’s a reason the Bible says that money is the root of all evils and Buddhists see attachments as the major delusion that prevents enlightenment.

Gluttony, in the form of all you can eat buffets, the “sport” of competitive eating, and the ridiculous food challenges where some ass hole thinks he is a big swinging dick for eating 72 oz steak or a ten pound burrito. Bravo. When I was a kid, it was “There’s starving kids in Africa, eat your food and quit your complaining.”: Now it’s kids and adults starving here, in our own towns, cities and even neighborhoods.

I’m tired, and I’m sad that people don’t get it. That a good friend of mine is homeless, and there’s nothing I can really do for him sucks, but he knows he isn’t alone, and when the time comes, if he’s lucky, for him to surrender, he knows I will be here for him.

I used to say if I could bottle my inner peace and give it away to everyone I would – but it is available, and it’s simple to get. The easiest form of meditation (i.e. receiving the answers to prayers, tapping into your spirit, whatever you want to call it) is listening. Wisdom is learning from the mistakes of others, or maybe it should be gaining understanding from others’ lessons.

Anyway. Never forget them- the sick and suffering. Pray for all of them. That wave created in the ether by prayers will wash over someone, that I promise you.

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