I make no secret about what keeps me clean on a daily basis, conscious contact with God, because if I don’t stay spiritually fit and selfless, which are one and the same to me, I’m doomed to become a selfish, ungrateful person.
The lessons of the 12 steps are continual, they have given me gifts I try to repay every single day, by being helpful. One of the greatest is with prayer and meditation, my will and God’s are one and the same. Fear evaporates in the even a shadow of faith when God and I are in time. Oh yeah, that G word.
God has treated me unfairly for sure- he’s given me too many chances, and after almost 20 years of heroin abuse, self-pity, fear and shame, he had to basically reach down from the ether and slap me in the face with a series of seemingly random failures that added up into the most beautiful success. God, my team of guardian angels, they went well beyond the call of duty in saving me, and more importantly, delivering a psychic change.
There’s not enough G in a lot of the meetings. I choose to read a big blue book written a long time ago by an accountant/stock analyst because without that, there would be no other tomes or programs. Fact is, that book is the program because it is about a concession of a problem bigger than drugs, it is about an absence of God resulting in a ton of life problems.
That terrible, impossible 4th step, is simple, I craved it because it was explained to me so simply, I was freeing a clog in my spiritual pipeline that was a lifetime of selfish actions in the making. It was Liquid Plumber for my soul. I can pray all I want, because God’s always listening, but if I can’t hear the answer, I’m left to my own mind to come up with some solution, which the past taught me was more grease, hair, and whatever mental vomit clogs pipes.
As I work on finishing Shoestring Theories, I realize more and more the most simple of truths, we all want to be happy. I stuck needles in my veins because I reveled in artificial joy, and the temporary relief from my demons, things like loneliness from broken relationships, chasing material possessions for self-worth, on and on.
I know what happiness is now. It’s helping others. It’s altruism, it’s knowing inside I’ve walked the talk another day, and that I can always do better. Fear, attachments, anger,and ignorance are gone, and won’t come back to delude my mind as long as I keep that God guy on speed dial.
I call my power God and my understanding of him is probably way different than a lot of people’s, which is the point. Nor is it a door knob, a McCutchen caught homerun ball or a tree, because none of those is going to have the answers when I need guidance. It’s not a puppet master either. For me, he is love, he is inside us all. He’s got a sick sense of humor and thrives on irony. He loves seeminly random complications presenting opportunities, and he enjoys answering prayers in twisted ways, that way I just pray for others and thank him for all the blessings I have today.
So thanks Big Guy, I’m a happy human -for life, family, friends, air, shelter, food, and for a voice that will not stop trying to give away what someone freely gave to me.