It’s been a lot longer hiatus than I realized. Let’s see, since my last post was an homage to my dear friend Adam, and his birthday recently passed, maybe this should be about the meaning of life. Far be it from me to suggest the answer is as simple as happiness, but as an addict, that is all I ever wanted out of life.
I am stoked to finally see Montage of Heck, and of course, I bring that up because it fits, Mr. Cobain was miserable. He shot dope to take the pain away. Adam shot dope to temporarily ease his inner suffering. I did the same and even though I reached the ultimate breaking point, trying to intentionally overdose, they are gone and I am here. I don’t question why anymore, at least to why I survived. One guy you heard of, one guy you did not. Both were incredibly talented at expressing tragedy through art. Both are gone, and both found some sort of sadly ironic peace in death.
People tell me I write with some sort of gift, a way to express pain, an ability to express a moment in time, and for a long time I figured I shared the tragic flaw many other talented souls no longer here do. The people telling me this are better than me in my eyes when it comes to the craft. It’s humbling to say the least.
I have happiness today.Somewhere along my journey in life, one spent traveling on the longest detour, one beyond my wild imagination, I found peace. While so much of the path was spent crawling over glass shards, I was fortunate to not bleed out, blessed to stand up, and be here today.
I marvel at how the steps and a little Buddhism thrown into the mix brought me to a place I never thought existed. A spot where true forgiveness, and simple admissions to myself began a process of healing, opened up a channel to God where only thick interference clogged the airwaves. I always needed something outside of myself to validate my worth, first it was a beautiful girl, then a pharmacy degree. When the girl left, the drugs began, and soon the licensed RPh was sitting in jail, all the toys a great paying job afforded, pulled into the abyss with me.
Attachments: I just named plenty of them, women, money, letters after a name, drugs, all material things that delude the mind into believing happiness comes from them. In we reality, we bust our asses to attain the unattainable, just look at the dumb Kylie Jenner lip shit (why is does she matter by the way) and when I put all my stock in a woman (something I have done repeatedly, with the same results) and she left, my mind created a worst case scenario of enduring, crippling loneliness.
How did I shed the bullshit that kept me so ill? Steps. I’ve tried every other way, but when I asked God to let me die 10+ months ago, the stubborn sob got creative with me. He allowed the junkie to die, and the true me to get another shot, terrible pun, at living. And before you tell me I can’t call God a son of a bitch, well, he gets me, more than anyone, God gets me, and I get him. I love his creativity, how he put a Dilaudid on the floor of an airplane in Minneapolis, chose to put it in the crevice where the seat bolts in, the seat right in front of me, when I was dope sick flying home from North Dakota. What are the chances of that? He’s taken care of me. When he gets tired, he turns my care over to a legion of guardian angels, and I’m confident I know their names.
I’m not immortal, I’m not bulletproof. I’m fallible, I make mistakes and he probably has a good laugh. I asked him to remove lust as one of my defects, and that’s a whole other blog, but as my sponsor said, be careful what defects you ask to remove, because you will get a lot of tests. That’s just how it works. What’s a better way to check one’s lust than a steady stream of women? Dammit Tinder. That’s a whole other blog though.
The point is, happiness comes from love. Love comes from God. Connect to him (which for me really happened after I unloaded all my selfish, self-seeking bullshit to him and my sponsor, i.e. 5th Step), and when I learned to listen to him, it really got better. Selflessness and helping others out of love and compassion, that is joy. 10, 11,12- That’s all I need.
Nothing in life is random. Some people make their impact on others in tragic ways, some through living through hell so that they can help others. I’m blessed and grateful for God’s grace.
Back to Shoestring Theories, which by the way is being released June 18th, 2015.
Check it out here.