“I sing the song because I love the man
I know that some of you don’t understand
Milk-blood to keep from running out.
I’ve seen the needle and the damage done
A little part of it in everyone
But every junkie’s like a settin’ sun.” – Neil Young
In a day or two, I’ll get to a point I’ve never had, 6 honest months, working a program. I can call myself recovered, but I always preface that with grateful. More than anything I’ve learned is to be grateful for even the smallest thing. My eyes opening to see a new day is where it starts for me.
Not too long ago, I was a setting sun, but nothing beautiful like that picture, I was fading away in a stormy sky. No one saw me and while I conceived this idea inside that no one gave a shit about me, nothing could have been further from the truth. You might be aware of the term ‘fox hole prayers’ but mine wasn’t asking for help. June 7th, 2014 I offered up a prayer alright, I begged and pleaded that God would free me from this life, I prayed to let the amount of drugs in the syringe be enough to kill me.
“Don’t let me wake up God, please. I can’t go on for even another minute on this planet.”
In hindsight, this prayer was most certainly answered. Something inside me did die that day, God let something wicked pass away, or at least kept me breathing somehow, someway in a library bathroom, to give me a final chance at getting my pain is self-chosen, that there’s a simple way to move beyond this shit, to be a brilliant, fiery sunset that rises the next day equally beautiful.
This isn’t about me, it’s about God given peace. Anyone can get it, it’s not hard if, and it’s a monumental ‘if,’ we don’t complicate everything. I get it, it’s been almost 2 decades of shoving poison into my system, making everything worse and worse, until life seems apocalyptic at best. I’ve been blessed to meet so many incredible human beings these past few months. I’ve collided with an inspiring sponsor, loyal, true friends, and those I grew close to that just can’t get it. Some are so important to me, I’d give anything at all for them to be free. Sometimes it just has to be this way. I stopped asking ‘why?’
And it certainly doesn’t mean I’m just happy as a pig in shit, because caring causes hurt when circumstances dictate walking away rather than soldiering on. The greater good can be a tough pill to swallow, but love truly does mean being selfless.
Yeah, I’m directionless with this one, big surprise. Maybe I’m not good at letting something go, but I hope she knows this wasn’t what I wanted but what we both need. I can say those words and not mean them, but I hear them ring true inside my heart. It’s where the connection lives, a conduit to sanity. I’m going to miss you, for one gorgeous, fallible soul, she ran out of chances, her all in bet anything but a bluff. We had good times, keep an eye on me up there in the ether, free to transcend finally and forever more. For the other, you’re in my heart, you always will be. While we may drift apart, know you’ll be in every prayer that leaves my lips. There’s always Bali.
Maybe that’s the hardest part of this whole thing- I want everyone to get it. Many won’t. I know this, I will lose more friends, ex’s etc to addiction. It is as inevitable as the tides. My barred out friend telling me he gets neutrality when he hasn’t done any work. Why wouldn’t anyone want to be free of this bullshit? How many people asked me that? Every path is unique, every success has failures endured. I just hope all those sick and suffering end up at the same destination in time, I’ll be easy to find, because you’ll always be in my thoughts. Stop beating yourselves up, stop fighting an unwinnable war.
Funny, I’ve not shed a genuine tear in a long time. Until now. I’m going to miss you, but I’m not going to try and forget you.
“We’re just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground, what have we found? The same old fears.
Wish you were here.” – Pink Floyd
Peace, Love, Compassion,