General Hooker – Civil War Legend


Sometimes bizarre people get powerful, shocking right, I know. I am not talking Hitler, he still brings about some frowns when writers try to get all satirical about the amphetamine addicted, syphilis afflicted, artistically challanaged mad man. When jokes about Stalin play better, my apologies family of Trotsky and the lot of conspirators put to death, well, take my advice and don’t play with fire.

Better to unearth obscure figures in history, like General Hooker.

Sure, heroes like Grant, Lee, some guy named Lincoln, Wilmer McLean, they get all the fanfare. get chess pieces modeled after them in lofty positions like queens and kings, bishops and rooks, but General Hooker lives in relative obscurity. Well not on my watch.

The creator of the groupie, Hooker had legions of women follow his army, for stress relief after waging war against the south, he knew the value of a good prostitute. What better way to motivate and nurture the survival instinct than dangle the proverbial carrot, no…bad food analogy…umm…hold on, I need to ask Google a question…be right back….dangle the proverbial papaya, the oyster below, in case your imagination is sludge, to get men to fight…

oyster.jpeg

You can seriously find everything on this world wide web, it truly is fascinating that a search “foods that look like vaginas” can yield a myriad of results (13.7 million in 0.31 seconds). My faith in humanity has been restored at 5:13PM, October 7th, 2014.

Add that fact to the impact of General Hooker’s legacy.

I imagine after the lead balls stopped flying about on the battlefield, that’s when the actual balls…never mind, too easy…So profound was his impact, that in late-1861, of the 468,000 men that visited the Union Army Medical Department, 188,000 of them had a venereal disease. Math, a science of sorts, tells me that’s 40%.

Now you know why a hooker is a hooker, all because of the legendary General you don’t know, and the history books ignore.

Tomorrow, the story of Corporal Slut.

Thursday’s feature all about back stabbing, inspired by Julius “Pizza, Pizza” Caesar banging Brutus’, yes, that knife wielding one, mom, Jezebel Harlot Brutus. Revenge is a dish best served raw…like oysters. Cold…whatever, just like oysters…

Friday I will wrap it up…condom pun…by making more bullshit up about an unknown female astronaut, Sheila Strumpet, who blew her chance at landing on the moon when an ad executive quizzed her and a chimp named Enos answered more questions correctly about rocket science and cooking than she did. What she did next was the stuff of Japanese pornos.

They call that a cliffhanger.

Thus, we come to the point, like a freshly sharpened pencil, technology is really fucking us up. Are you wiser for reading any of this? Is Google really a good source? Answers come at the stroke of a…ok…no more puns.

Seriously, this blog, like it or not, is now part of eternity, as preserved in some cloud or underground bunker, built into a mountainside. Al Gore- he subscribes to this blog, loves the props I throw him, he, the creator of unbridled chaos and global warming-which reminds me-When you speak all over the globe, do you bicycle? I hope you sailed across the oceans and at least got solar propelled in some tangent way. Because if not, I call you hypocrite. Don’t worry, we clearly see in others our faults, whether we want to admit that truth or not. Give everyone a second to digest that one.

Where are my Tums? I am judgmental. I have been everything wrong, a liar, a cheater, a thief, ever convincing the world I am none of my realities. Let me tell you how freeing it is to shed those delusions, as Buddhists call them. If love and compassion are the path to peace, a mind full of ignorance, aversion and attachment lead to all sorts of insanity. Chaos.

So Al, just admit your private jet and armored SUVs fade your carbon footprint inversely proportional to Tipper’s tolerance of uncensored music. How quickly we forget the Parental Advisory label, and some days I just wish the internet caught her saying “fuck.”

Sadly, Google has failed me in this pursuit. I guess it’s off to call Fox News. I need a girl to dress up, all the politicians and wives come here, so we’ll film it in a nice hotel, might as well make it a debauch sex tape, where she says all sorts of frighteningly weird stuff, we’ll say 3 sources verified it was me and her, send that low-fi VHS shit to Hannity or something so they have some newly invented scandal, who’s down? Well, once again, thank you General Hooker.

Craigslist here I come. Thank you Al Gore. Your creation has once again solved any dilemma I might face.

Technology- really taking us back to the cultural and intellectual stone age.

Peace -MFJ

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