Under-seasoned Reason Left on the Burner Too Long

100414_1914_Underseason1.jpg“Anyway, you didn’t burn the Schlitz.”

In the 1950’s they could care less about gluten, hell, it saved this gal the wrath of her drunken husband from being pissed off he had no dinner, completely made him not look at the smoke damage on the kitchen wall, or the fact shit could have gotten way out of control, she could have burned the house down. Nope, he’s just glad she didn’t put his Schlitz in the oven.

A simpler time, the Mister went out to work while the Misses played with the vacuum cleaner she got for her birthday, along with the prescription to Valium (why else did she burn his steak, unless she secretly despises him for being a chauvinistic pig), and just enjoyed her day, plotting her next move into the grayness of just existing.

The world can banter the noble speak, paint a politically correct landscape, but reality is seemingly ignored in so many cases. This isn’t about the sheer lunacy of declaring gluten as the devil, thank you South Park for making the wild leap of gluten consumption “causes your dick to fly off.” I really need to become a writer on that show. I enjoy fantastic jumps, a mental Evel Knievel rocketing across metaphysical gorges in the vacuum of reality.

Where was I? Gluten? Sexism? That I am woefully hooked on energy drinks and coffee to jog consciousness into my waking hours?

That it kicks in but I want to fall asleep an hour later but it has this bizarre quality where it keeps me awake until 2:00am. Maybe that explains things since my internal clock likes 6:25am. At least the Rockstar Punched, still waiting on my lifetime, or at the very least, year supply guys, has milk thistle in it to help my liver become new again. Might have abused it and the rest of me for a long time. How well has my brain rebounded though? I can handle the applause or groans, it’s all good, recognition is a nice change of pace from shying away from the world.

Now, onto this thing, pictured below:

The AccuSharp. If it weren’t US made, I would instantly assume more Chinese infiltration to wound our pocketbooks, since this knife and tool sharpener has no doubt caused a great many to lose nails, fingertips, and endure numerous trips to the ER.
Since it is made in the US, I theorize, that perhaps its inventor is from South Florida, where greed is fulfilled in numerous sick ways. Remember that whole pain clinic thing? Oh yeah, that shouldn’t be past tense. My bad. Even if the inventor was some ER doctor from Iowa, he could have had the idea implanted in his mind by an alien being vacationing on one of the less inhabited Keys, who was carrying a grudge against a lady that served him hacked up burnt bottom round with no beer in reserve. Resentments, drinking poison waiting on the other person to die. Such unfortunates. I digress.

To be fair, not so clearly on that blue band, the thin layer of plastic protecting flesh from blade, it has a diagram on how it works, yeah, that’s 3 Book references, as well as: CAUTION: DO NOT OPERATE SHARPENER WITHOUT FINGER GUARD. SERIOUS INJURY MAY RESULT. No shit? That finger guard better be Kevlar, I wouldn’t use this without some medieval chainmail glove, but then again, all I use is a steel to sharpen my knives, and wit. I am betting at one point this was sold on TV, $9.95, plus S&H, which is probably $8.95, and wait, if you call in the next 20 seconds, we’ll double the offer, just add additional S&H, and we’ll throw in this finger guard for mother f’in free. Act now, or bleed out surrounded by fresh vegetables you wanted to prep to make sure no gluten got into a bag of Green Giant Steamers by mistake, lest your dick fly off, or at best, you become crippled by glutenitis, occasionally sneezing, and feeling a completely unrelated joint pain.

Why am I talking about any of this? No clue, but karma comes to mind, since the inventor of the AccuSharp, at least in my mind, is bound to be driving down A1A, top down on his Bentley, when a loon, no that’s not right, when a egret shits in his eye from above, and he crashes into a $15.3 million mansion, where, thank God, some celebrity was not home, since he/she lives there 6 weeks out of the year, but unfortunately, a lawn maintenance crew suffered various injuries, and one, who had just sharpened his pruning shears ironically with the AccuSharp, impaled himself and died weeks later from a bizarre infection that was later attributed to a finger guard being lost inside him, lost like meaning from this post. Karma, the inventor is now penniless, begging for beer money, drinking his gluten instead of eating it, the alien crashed in some desert because his autopilot failed when he had to run to the bathroom as crippling food poisoning once again hit him, never having it dawn on him that wheat protein ultimately caused his demise, since aliens lack penises, hence warning signs were missed.

Here’s the point, because I bet you are wondering how I am going to make anything out of this blog:

“The consequences of karma are definite: Negative actions always bring suffering, and positive actions always bring happiness.” -That Lama Guy, tested thoroughly by myself, at least the former, but even the tiniest bit of experimentation on the latter has me really at peace. While certain things grow fertilized by shit, I promise you the contentment I have been blessed to feel, even in just a small amount, matures only watered and sunned by God’s grace.



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