How About a Nice Glass of Shut the Hell Up

How good do I have it? Really stop and put away the things that attempt to shove my sanity into some dark corner of my mind…brains don’t have corners, maybe a recess. Yeah, that spot where it’s kickball and playground hijinks, English is such a hard language to learn, yet it can be really limiting when it comes to love. Save that diatribe for another time. How many times does focusing on what I don’t have, or what I want, wreck my day? Sanity…gratitude rescues it every single time, at least for me it does. Being grateful is such a foreign concept to me, and that explains a lot of my past.

Insincere and selfish, everything is wrong in life, hence the blog title. It could have been “you’ll get nothing and like it” from Caddyshack as well. Thankful and selfless, not everything may be alright, but it sure puts me in a great place. I am not on display, but I like to dissect myself and lay the pieces down. Excise mental malignancies and swallow the Kool-aid cure, because I have no excuses left. No need to lie about anything anymore.

I focus on all the support I get today not the one silent cyberspace observer who sits and waits for me to fall. I am a different human being today, and it scares me just as much as it does everyone. I don’t recommend the road I took to gain this gift, but I am pretty sure God has been holding out his hand for a long time. Glad he’s God and all, my arm would have gotten tired a long time ago. So if I pull back, it’s because I have to do that, and when you ask for a hand, I will give it once you reach out and take his.

Who am I? Was in some conversation the other day, catching someone up on the past. Drug use freezes growth, and hastens spiritual decay. It is the fat kid who won’t get off the see-saw, and the more strung out I got, the more flesh wasted away, a gray, gaunt shell with nothing left to give. There’s so much self-inflicted damage, reactionary and misguided, but that debasing voice convinced me otherwise. Laid it out, opaque yet clear to me, I was deserving of pain. The two decade tear down is over, the heart broken heart breaker, self-destruction seeker, he was never me despite his occupation of my mind. It cost me a lot, and it gave me even more.

I know that sounds messed up, but the worse the pain, the greater the joy. That the first thing I read in treatment was Gibran’s words on pain from The Prophet,  it set a tone for me. So much in fact, that a flashing neon light screaming “No Consequence Sins Here-All You Can Get Buffet-Free” would not have gotten my attention as much as those words did.  I began letting go a lot of poison I used as nectar, I had to gain some much needed perspective on all of it, untwist my mind, and just open my eyes. 

Who am I? The answer is one grateful man. Everything grows from that. Being grateful-yeah, I had to get back to that, as it was my premise today, but as usual I slide off on some tangent. That’s life though these days, I get what I need, thank you very much Mick Jagger, because I TRY, and going with the flow that is driven by something pure ends me up in the right place, no matter how confusing the journey. I pay attention, to the simple things, and opportunity. Best way to be thankful and appreciative is to not only acknowledge it, but carry that into someone else’s life. You’d be amazed at how meaningful the little things are, opening a door, or even a hello to a lonely stranger can make a huge difference. That said, so many people have been awesome, so many blessings have come to me, I don’t see it as luck. Chance isn’t, not when it comes to life; the rewards of just doing the right thing once and for all and willing to do it  all the time. I will fall short, that human condition thing, and that’s cool.

Perspective. Perception. Life is great because my eyes opened this , my lungs fill and my heart beats and I am free to choose how I am going to live today. What else can I ask for?

Peace, Love & Joy,


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