A lot of people can tell you a lot of things about me, and depending on how close they were/are to me, some of it can be horrific. Having a junkie for even an acquaintance has to be exhausting, and while I took a sort of twisted pride in not allowing anyone to scale my walls, truth is I craved company. I needed someone next to me, to validate me in some way. I felt less empty, less ugly, less ‘junkie-like.’ Maybe it was all a feeble attempt to just be normal, to shed that word from my self-perception. A wise man I recently met told me there’s a difference between self-perception and perception of self, what I really see inside my being. Today the road is open between my mind and heart, I am not chasing happiness but sustaining joy.
Back to the point though, as a writer, I take liberties with word usage, took a lot of rules and snapped them, got some verbal super glue and pieced them back together so they almost seemed like they were before, but fact is, the truth has no flexibility. It’s science. I’ve tested it out over and over, and in the end, the lies always float to the surface, because a fallacy can’t wear concrete shoes. If you loved me, I want you to know I failed horrendously at returning anything meaningful. In my mind, I was, but the reality was I could never offer love when I had no idea what the word even meant. In my mind, you were goddesses in love with a wretch, and it exhausted me to sustain relationships I felt I never deserved. To further the point of how messed up my brain works, it’s a lose-lose where it’s multiplied into a positive-if I lose my girl, I ache, I medicate. That was a win to me. That said, I am moving on.
I want to make everything right, right now, which will never happen. Two other words thrown about as synonyms are apologies and amends. Way different. Saying I am sorry is pointless, but trying to make something right, that requires some heavy work from me, and at this point, I can’t make much right to anyone. Time holds the answers .
It wasn’t to long ago that I loaded a needle with suicidal intentions, not too long ago that I asked God to let the next sight I would see be heaven’s door. Funny how things work though. After that junkie stunt earned me a trip to the psych word, one I had to decide to book myself though, things got much worse. How badly do you want to die Michael? Instead, show me you want to live.
Clarity- it takes the right mindset to handle those moments where everything is laid out with such raw reality that it is either going to cripple you or save you. Wandering around on the streets, with no shelter, no food, and worst, no hope, it’s a terrible place to be. Long story short, I had to hold on for 5 more days, survive 120 hours without jumping off Lake Worth Pier, without having a complete nervous breakdown. Obviously, I did just that, and God showed me a lot of neon signs in the past 69 days to let me know I am on the right path. What died that day was the Michael who hated himself for self-perceived inadequicies. What was born in that moment light bulb illumination was something beautiful, something locked away inside me for so long, something taken from me so many years ago – I have that back. Through grace, undeserved love from above, I have love back in my heart.
The roads we travel to get where we are going often intersect. I can’t take anything back, the past has some painful permanence, the past’s happy moments get erased when the trauma endured is too great, yet it’s still behind me, us. All of us. Whether you’ve met me or not, we have our similarities, and we can recognize and grow from shared experiences, or we can rip the rift further, take it and run away. I used to love misery, I reveled in pain, and I could torture my mind like no one else. It goes well beyond heroin and speedballs, it goes to the core of my humanness. I’ve broken down a lot in the past few months, but the tears weren’t the poison of self-pity, rather their healing powers are pretty damn amazing.
I have no idea why I write what I do, and my plan was not to go in the direction this has, but hopefully some of it makes some sense. In the end, I can forgive myself, and choose to earn trust and respect by demanding it from myself first. I am too weak to beat Michael up anymore, plus he’s a good guy, a human being who made bad choices. Waving the white flag is the only way to win the war, and it’s contradictions like that I love, so I gain strength from that.
Peace, Love & Joy,