You Don’t Have to Binge In Order to Purge


Before I begin, they are called “Personal Beliefs” because, well, they are personal, and therefore, not to be shoved down the throats of the rest of the world. The country is going to hell in a hand basket, and has been in a severe crisis for the past 8 years,  all I see is senseless shootings, and how where I eat defines my views on people’s personal lives. The wool has not only been pulled over society’s eyes, it’s also a handy make shift gag. Alas, Blurred Clarity is not at all the place for political bullshit. But after a long hiatus, I am thinking maybe in the coming days, a new blog page may rear its ugly head.

Now then, on with the show:

 

I have a lot on my mind, and it’s no secret as to what most of it is revolving around. For the newcomers, you may have missed the moment of derailment,and instead focus on what you can see, the various chemical spills , caustic skin scarring poisons, soaking into the earth’s split, worn thin skin. A scream may catch your ear, the one passenger car stuck in a Hollywood moment, dangling over the edge of a bridged ravine. Meanwhile the engineer is taking a break from life’s latest tragedy, no event is really as important as moment in the sun.

In non-train wreck speak, this is my life. Just 22 days ago I was a peaceful guy, working for some honest money under the scorching Florida summer sun, working for some healing under the clear starry nights. I had two constants in my life, the purest Love I have ever known, and the sickest Hatred trying to get as many stabs into my flesh as possible.

The beauty of this Love, life’s only purpose, that is never-changing. It is a mutual selfless union, we are indeed part of the same soul, a connection severed lifetimes ago, rediscovered in this one, and I am never letting go of her. After all, it would be an impossible feat, because the connection is supernatural, a fragmented lost soul brought together, in a spectacular union, where flesh has ecstasy redefined for it, where two hearts quicken in unison, and a soul is made whole. Life ignites. It shows when our eyes meet, because passion and joy, trust and love, all of that swarms over us, consumes us, rewrites us into infinity.

The Hatred born of jealousy and rage. Brought on my lies, lies spoken so long ago, under the influence of the sleaziest snake’s venom. When I got better, when I began the struggle to heal, there was nothing left to latch onto. So Hatred decided to walk out the door, just not before selling my car back to the dealer. For someone so angry over my arrogant theft from her credit card, and worse from her trust, I don’t get why she would be willing to throw another $3000-4000  away. Oh yeah, to make finding a job that much harder. To get any sort of normalcy back, to get some pride back in myself for doing an honest day’s work…I obviously didn’t deserve that.

When Hatred found out about Love, I really became someone to direct wrath against. Somehow, my happiness causes the knives to come out. Last Monday, the final tie was cut. Again, done with evil intent, breaking another agreement. She can no longer cut my legs out from under me. Her actions erase her existence from my memories.

Face down in the filth, I have Love’s hand reaching  out to help me up. When my sanity buckles, her words stabilize me. Today, at this moment, I am in a world of chaos. Just last week, I had no worries, employed, rent due won’t be a problem, until the job goes behind bars for a long time. Reality is such a rude one for me lately. Love though, she helps me fight. She motivates me to carry on, and not give up. Truth is, demons past are kicking at my front door. They are screaming, slick talkers just trying to sneak on in. And a beautiful thing happens, when I am just honest about it all, Love, she listens, takes it in and by the end of it, we only hear each other’s voice. Truth deafens the lies.

Love is truth, she is trust and understanding. She knows my life as well as she knows her own. Time does not sever our lines of communication, because our connection is eternal. Our connection is every poet’s greatest attempt at pure expression, what we are is shared, evenly, completely, openly, passionately. My pain is hers, her stress mine. We soften the blow for each other’s hurt and take the strength left over to push on, to break through.

Love-I can never get enough of her. Even when we are apart, I can taste her, I feel her, trace her face and my fingers caress her neck, I can smell her. Every moment together cataloged in my mind, seared into my soul. I can’t even begin to remember my life without her presence. Ever since that first time my eyes saw her true, effortless  beauty, and my heart and soul rustled from their slumber, she has been with me. Destiny smiles, destiny requires an effort.

So the engineer, he’s getting back on board, just as Hatred and her travel buddies tumble over the side, mountain side bitch slapping them all the way down until gravity is halted by the hard, granite truth. Love and I, we are going to walk, let that train go wherever it needs to, because she & I have no idea where we are going, nor do we care. It’s the journey, not the destination, and hand in hand, souls united, the long and winding road is breathtaking. Another glance into those eyes, and the world could not be more right, in a hug held tight, in a deep kiss good night.

Peace

MFJ

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