My Misery Hates Her Company


Weird, yet somewhat cool picture by Fernado Vincente, or something like that.

Anyway, what a shitty, beautiful day I had Friday. And I am not being all cryptic or using some literary device, Friday sucked. And Friday was perfect.

Friday: The Shit

It was just another normal day, until I decided to walk to town (sounds so small town-ish, an old timer-ish, like “back in my day I had to walk to school, through 10 inches of snow”)to pay my power bill and deposit some cash in my bank. Because of my back and knee, and my new-found “penchant” for jogging, I have begun using our alleys here in Lake Worth, as they are sand.

So, I reach like the 4th block from town, and I see this kid walking towards me, which is no big deal as it’s 1:30 in the afternoon, and everyone walks around our alleys.What was a surprise was this kid had a friend that ended up behind me, pressing something into my back that  I didn’t feel like testing to see if it was legit or not. The kid in front told me to pull out my pockets, and I did, giving up over $300 and my debit card. I had forgotten my phone and license back at the house, as I set it down to find my keys, and once I found my keys, just walked out the door. So it could have been worse I guess.

I went home, cursing myself for not being more aware, for not fighting these two kids, for Karma having a severe boner for me, a lot of different things and I called the police. They spent an hour with me, even letting me sit in the back to show them where it happened exactly.Needless to say being in the back of a cop car as a free man was a little disconcerting and claustrophobic. When I finally got home, I did what is normal, posted it on FB…WTF? I called my parents, told them what happened, fielded some phone calls from people making sure I was okay.

I lied my way through it, cause hey, after all, I wasn’t hurt, sadly a real plus as people are killed over far less these days. But I was so far from okay. I have had a really shitty year. When the calendar flips to May 1st, I will have somehow managed to live through the most miserable year of my life clean. I seriously don’t know how I have done it, only through faith that things have to get better, only by appreciating that while I have so little, it is more than many others. Still, my back is up against it, and while I know I have lost thousands of dollars through bad employers, irresponsible tenants, and now theft, the reality of my life is I have to figure out how to pay my bills in 7 days, or I celebrate my 1st year clean without power, water or gas. All of it those accounted for before two punks robbed me.

This was supposed to be a stress free month. And now, it is ratcheted up beyond anything I have experienced. I have never had a nervous breakdown, or a panic attack, but I was frighteningly close on Friday. I have sold off possessions, depended on the kindness of friends, but I have gotten through it all. I have no idea if  I will make it through this one, and have little choice but to pick up the phone tomorrow and start asking for favors. I hate my situation, and have fought so hard to change it. Some people think this is what I deserve, hell I even thought so at one point in time. After all, I had done things I swore I wouldn’t do, broke a lot of promises. I realized somewhere along the line, what could I really do other than be sincere and offer an apology. I learned I had to forgive myself because beating the shit out of my character wasn’t accomplishing much good. I had to move on and did, or I would have ended up dead through the lie I always seemed to fall back into in times like these.

I can’t say I would have wanted to be around me when Friday night rolled around. I was in a space where I had just given up. Nothing mattered, no amount of effort was paying off, what the hell was the point of any of this? I am karma’s bitch and really, I think there is some major accounting errors in the books. I just want to cry myself to sleep, and maybe the stress will cause some sort of vessel to pop.

Friday: The Beautiful

A little before the Penguin game started, the answer to my prayers came over. You ever just have such a bond with another person that a long, loving hug takes away all the pain? I mean it shakes you at your core, it makes you understand all of this life, the rat race to make money and then spend it on “essentials” and if you’re lucky enough, “wants,” that means absolutely nothing as far as peace and happiness goes? That was what that hug delivered.

For those hours, there was no pain, no remembrance of the day’s random bad luck. I wasn’t cursing life, I wasn’t wanting to find karma and slit its throat. I was enamored, I was touched. That anyone could have gotten me out of my deep-rooted funk, and with such ease and grace, still blows my mind. She has always had my trust, she has had my heart for a while now. But in that moment, it showed me just how powerful the bond is, just how important a love that comes from the heart is.

Without it, all the shit we accumulate means nothing. It is empty crap that fills our lives up with lies and false security. A home without a heart is as dead as you and I would be without one. I learned a lot Friday, about life, about just how much I am in love with her. Everyone in the world disappeared, every problem melted as our lips touched. She makes life worth living, and gives me the very meaning of it all.

I sincerely hope everyone has this in their lives, and understands there is nothing more important, nothing can even come close to the gifts true love gives. It is a peace in the most troubled times, it is inescapable joy during the most miserable of events. It is a deathblow to the lies we are sold on what is important. No coke has ever made me smile like this. No chunk of man valued metal gives me serenity like the touch of her hand. No slim flat screen TV entertains me more than the openness of our communication. No spa provides me the peace that just looking into those understanding, caring eyes delivers.

That was my Friday. May you all remember as long as air fills our lungs and our hearts beat, nothing is as powerful and as meaningful as love. Treasure it if you have it, and let fate guide you if you don’t. I found mine while swearing I would never do it again. So I can’t be too mad at you karma, if this is what was necessary to fully understand just how perfect my life is, how lucky a man I really I am, then I would relive every moment of the pain to taste just one minute of this pleasure.

Because I can’t just pick a phrase out, go read this: Khalil Gibran on Love

Peace – MFJ

 

 

 

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