Crowded Thoughts Leave Me Gasping For Air


Sorry for the Hiatus…

Words form and fail to make the trip, stumbling blocks in my head, never make it to my lips. Some are beautiful and crushed by doubt, others vitriol that laziness wraps up and puts to bed. My head wants to explode and these unintended consequences have hung on for way too long. Never realized my popularity on the rumor circuit, that strangers and acquaintances I haven’t seen in years or never somehow can look into my eyes, and pull truth from my soul.

One makes the effort, to see me, to find out who I really am. She sees something, reminds me I am worth fighting for. Rattles my thoughts, pictured above, and without a word peace swarms. The tick-tock of emptiness, the distant stares into the same 4 corners of my sad attempt at a circle, will to fight sucker punched by a forgotten whisper. I really need a hand this time, to get to my knees, crawl along the shards of lies, breathe deep in the vacuum of time.

How much do I need to take, before I am back to believing I am some bulletproof mistake? Riddle a rhyme, a kiss and try to figure out the answer to this test. Reach the wall, prop myself up with a razor wire grin. Funny my blood is as red as yours, my freedom  trapped in all those should have beens. The Joker, out of laughs is just a clown with a cool hat, mock it, stock it on the shelves of your cheap intentions. Proprietary faith never got approval and it’s so deep in the red. Put way too much effort into skewed experiments, the leanings at the worst angles, the collapse seemingly inevitable so they win.

Silent judges and poisoned juries, want me to be anyone but who I am. So stuck on the past the present streams by. Bone on bone crack, and it’s me looking down at your broken faith and all those fucking lies running all over the floor, staining my feet. So many heartfelt words, in sickness and in health, turn to shit when the plague hits. I am not some wind up toy that confesses past transgressions for the purposes of future deconstruction. But isn’t that always the way. Forgiveness fleeting because I have that slick tongue and no how to misuse it.

I am just pure evil to some, and it’s getting tiring hearing whispers of sinners. Solace in that I don’t need to offer a defense, that every spear thrown bounces off my resolve. Shadows blend into dusk, and I wish I could have one night were I write the storyline. Where my heart is free to beat, my air is pure, and the fairy tale ending is present and accounted for.

Instead life’s monotony slices and dices, trying to remember just who I am because of where I’ve been. I am a precious time bomb, the knight in rusted out armor. Feeling chippy, desperate to slay that dragon with a dull point. Allusions, illusions, dreams that slip into nightmares, walk in my shoes, but the soles are past thin. And this ground, it isn’t exactly the smoothest terrain.

I just want to disappear, into the background, so I know the intentions ring true. Cheat some more miracles out of their luster, wrap your head around any of this? Pretty doubtful, the negative one on a scale of ten. Blood shot eyes crying sugar tears, and I think I might just be sick.

Wondering what is the point? What is my mission? “Two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year….” Thanks Roger, that just kind of fits right in. So many forgotten days, so many go through the motions oddesseys, when will it all end? Far away from the beginning, close enough to taste her lips. Breathe her in. The only one that sees meaning behind the veil. Drown on the way up, feel alive on the way down. Nothing is in vain. Vein. Vane. Seriously, English is just ridiculous, with just one word to describe the meaning of it all.

See you sometime around the bend in time.

Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without.  ~Confucius, Analects

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