It’s a long way down, that fall from grace. Play it tricky, play it dirty, but the truth has a way of creeping up behind you. Stealth blows, crippling shots to the brain.Character hemorrhage, leaves you crawling into your hole, bloodied, beaten, praying memories of those affected fade in time.
Offer up too many defenses, cast blame on everyone but the mirror. Sad really. Funny thing though, my empathy, my sympathy, went on a cruise just the other day, and I don’t think they are coming back to your port of call, ever. Petty jealousies, rocks lobbed at such a distance are never gonna hit their mark. Drag it through the mud, cover it up, dirt under the nails give secrets air to breathe, bacteria fuel to breed.
Dance with fire, you’re gonna get touched. I think back, my personal list of sins, listed in order of damage, and I have to say, I was never malicious. More like natures fury, and sadly those closest were in my way. Worse, I rarely stopped to look back on the devastation I reeked. So many family and friends rolled over, left to pick up the pieces.
Hypocritical tag it, but I have confessed my sins, finally in a place where they carry all the weight I tried to bear. Shed all the tears possible, and I am someplace much better. If only they could see me now. Would they look at my scars, would they see me or am I still just that guy to keep as much distance between us as possible? I don’t expect much. Not from the infallible, I know them, because I was one.
Some invincible creature of habit, an ode to Darwin’s survival of the sickest. An instinctual scrap, with incredible luck and blessings. To grow, it’s all about nourishment. Choose what gets the mental meals wisely. Pain suckled, my how its grown. The lie turning into the pick of the litter. Late to the party, forgiveness barely gets a sip. Wastes away, shoved into the background, too weak to even whimper for some attention.
This sums up most of 1995-mid 2011. A funny thing happened on the way to the oath dissolver. Found an angel on the way to my perceived hell. She walked me through it all, the whimper wrapped up in her arms. That is how life works. Being okay with the hurt, feeling it but not clutching it. About time I start repaying my debts, put the honesty account back in the black. Found a purpose, stumbled upon love.
Throwing my labels into the abyss and not my life anymore. Quicksand memories give way to solid ground. Sitting, staring out at the ocean, breathing in the potential I ignored. A lazy communion with nature, its power forcing perspectives to gel into what can be, knowing I can shape my reality if I take the chance.
Funny I had just about given up on fate, but fate never gave up on me.
“Sometimes, perhaps, we are allowed to get lost that we may find the right person to ask directions of.” ~Robert Brault
Peace – MFJ.
P.S. I read this in an old journal last night, a poem I wrote in February of 2004 & it seems eerily apropos today. As in it gave me chills, freaky…
Lovelorn, Worn & Torn
Wonder if you are up next
Your turn to lose yourself
Wind up on the same ground
Be everything we always wanted
Years have thawed
Drained into the lawn
The grass grows
Evaporate and come down to earth
Catch more than drops with an outstretched hand
So life can turn out right
Asking you to fit into the plan
For fate to push us back together
Allow us to walk hand in hand.
2-10-2004 -MFJ (the date makes this go from apropos to downright mystical).