Love me some H.R. Giger.
Talking in code to keep others out of my personal space. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to shove some of my information into the bright lights. Spite is a terrible motivator, but I can’t lie, payback, this particular one especially, makes me laugh. Careful what you wish for.
Coming to the realization that my perceptions of why am I in this state, the same question I asked in 2007, a few weeks after arriving, and have been asking since the holidays, well, there is something bigger that we never predict. Open eyed stares, just a lunch, took me back to when I wanted to care, but just wasn’t able to peel enough of my chemical fog away. It is for the best, gave us a clean slate to uncover, albeit a decade+ later. I haven’t bled on this one, no sins, I need to confess. Mutual places traveled, breeds mutual understanding.
I can’t say how good it feels to have common ground to stand on, a sweet relief. My heart is filling back up. I have had genuine smiles on my face, foreign feelings I wondered if I’d ever experience again. Going through the motions is more exhausting than putting in the effort. I get that one now. Robotic days and nights, stressed condemnations and a feeling of doom have lost their punch.
I am thankful to her for ripping my life away, for just walking away, leaving me for dead. That her last words were hollow, bullshit tipped darts, verbose scalpels that took me apart piece by piece. Fuck off. Passive aggression suits you, jealousy poisons you. I am just about out of apologies, and I owe myself what’s left. It was the toughest healing process I have ever gone through and I am better than ever.
This is life, and my mind has to stay fixed on today, but it continues to float on winged dreams. DVR me, let me fast forward, get to the good parts. Is it Thursday yet? Even saying inside joke makes me laugh that much more. Ironic I am listening to the Black Keys again, cause my next girl is nothing like my ex-girl. Oops, future reference. Where’s the delete button? Screw it. Say what you mean or don’t bother saying anything. Life has no deletion, can’t take back any of it, but you damn well better open your eyes and learn something, or the best opportunities fly right by.
Chip away, slip away, and the air isn’t choking me anymore. Writing words to seal my future, in life, in love. Eyes on the prizes, effort in my mind. Finding the right word to fit the moments, and I just let it flow. Over analyzed destiny to death, so I can watch life spread open before me. Take my hand and follow me to the promised land…is that a quote? Too distracted to look it up. Whoever, wherever I heard it, it stuck until the right moment.
And so it goes, I blink, and life comes into focus. Closing time isn’t so empty and desperate. Last minute mistakes, notches on the buckle, dents in the brain. All of that is pointless and subtracted any shreds of sanity. Old me, new me, me. Summed up and picked ripe.
I want to stay, or just take her away. Have to be honest, the title is dead on, can’t tell you how many times what I want for my future has whipped through my brain just writing this. It’s probably why at about 600 words, I am an hour into it. My output is pleasantly hindered, and the words don’t seem to be hiding too much anymore.
No real need to bend my intentions in anyway anymore. The only real mystery is just in a name. Sigh….I am spent. Flipbook imagination always comes to the same conclusion. What I thought was unattainable just might be right in front of me. Become famous instead of infamous. Leaving that guy far behind. Time’s march is inevitable, and so is how all of this will play out.
“Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence.” ~Eric Fromm