Shooting Stars Before They Drop Into the Ocean of Displaced Time


Image taken from                                 sykravitz.wordpress.com


“Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy.”  ~Leo Buscaglia

 

 

“Today was a good day…I didn’t even have to use my AK.” – Ice Cube

Seriously, today was just one of those days where the moments of the present were just pure and enjoyed. Had the pleasure to help a friend out, got to enjoy the always too brief company of another great friend…and haven’t given a thought to anything or anyone else. I knocked out a few items on the “to-do” list, things I need to do to progress in what I know is going to be a life changing event.

I haven’t really had a day where I have been content, just at peace, completely cool with my own skin and how I fit into it. My friend and publicist, also named Mike, has been watching the Secret, on a seemingly endless loop. I am not much into the “think it, it will appear” attitude (and given I have only seen chunks, and just dismiss the whole “positive” thing) because I am a bigger believer in the saying, “Faith without works is dead.”

Just like in overcoming active addiction, I have never been able to will anything away, I know life is truly a battle. I possess faith, and am putting in the work I need to do to get to the place I want to be. What I did really like about one part of The Secret (since it has sold untold copies, it should be forced to be renamed to something like Overexposed) is dealing with gratitude. My friend Dan is over in SE Asia, a place I fell in love with in the month I was there. When you see how the vast majority of say, Cambodians live, and are greeted with a bow and a smile, it seems rather petty to be upset the rain storm is wrecking my DirecTv signal. Again.

Before  I think a certain way, react, or open my mouth up, I really try to put myself in the other person’s shoes. This disarms, at least most of the time, my bias. When my personal financial burdens stress me to the breaking point, I think of how good I have it. I still have a place to live, still have food to eat, and I don’t look at my future as murky…it is bright.

I am great at painting dark clouds on life’s canvas, but I tend to struggle transferring light. Blinding myself with dreams, or noticing  the shine creates shadows for my intentions to hide. Topping it off, I can’t find the remote to make the right adjustments to the picture. Isn’t that how life goes? Turning off the moving images, tuning out from all of this…where life exists like it did so many years ago, no one around.

Or those that come close, have required “honest intentions” ID cards. I am sorry, no one gets to see me without telling me why you have come in the first place. I think that would make life pretty damn drama-less. A sorting out miracle. And I wonder, when I hand over my Intentions card, what would the readout be? Are we on the same page, am I just being mechanical with the masses as  I wait for the one? I am liking this idea, someone call a scientist and a MIT grad student.

Endless applications, where a stranger’s glance could communicate with me, tell me I want you out of pure lust, you won’t see me after tonight. When your cards match, Siri calls out to you…”You both want to only have sex for a day. Here is her name and number.” Once rolled out, there would be no grandfather clauses either. A report of all the people in your life gets generated the day my idea goes inline with the vapid cloud…Anyone that comes back with a “He/She is just using you for personal benefit” = automatic punishment.

The inherent problem, do I even know what my intentions are from one moment to the next? Siri’s circuitry would melt under my wavering whims, desperate for some firm relationship foundations. And it most certainly takes the challenge of life off the table. Taking that chance, where you are left with intuition to know how the next words from your lips will be taken…received, rejected, consumed or not comprehended.

All I ever wanted was exactly what I thought I had. Funny how wrong one can be when it comes to the closest of all relationships. Since I am quote heavy on this one, might I just say, “My next girl, won’t be nothing like my ex-girl, it was a painful dance, now I got a second chance” – Black Keys. Maybe that is what is so confusing, she was perfect to a point, but how does one handle adversity? Does she carry guilt around because she let me fall apart for half a year before I forced her into the situation.

I have this theory, based on myself and a few others I have observed over the long haul. It goes like this: The last good parts of me, when so far gone, reaches out and sabotages life as is, to force change into the moment. Others may say it is sheer stupidity and desperation that causes the inevitable mistake to be caught. Whatever it is, it might just be the last gasp on asking for help, and what happens next will say a lot about everyone involved.

For me, I have come to understand I am an incredibly selfish person, and I use my intelligence and charm to manipulate people. Not quite sure how I feel about that assessment, part autobiographical, part third person recounts. It would make  for a great eHarmony profile description. Answer all the questions honestly, then announce to all of your matches: You match up to a selfish manipulator, which means you have no self-esteem. Let us celebrate our co-dependency issues over a bottle of wine and how poorly dinner was cooked. Now fix me because no way the pot roast is coming back to life.

What can I say, this blog is all over the place…verbose camo because I am still trying to figure out my feelings and decipher hers at the same time, and seriously what can I do at this point anyway than expound on the gripping confusion and hope fate tips her hand.

In the end, Ice Cube had it right. But as a felon, I will never even be around a gun given the fact it is an automatic 5 year sentence…very few questions asked. Yes Cube today was a good day, but because it showed me what a true friend is all about. Actually, just reaffirmed what I already knew, a pleasant reminder and I am thankful to have her in my life.

Be thankful every single day for the things we think of as basics, while people in this world would call them extravagances, be thankful for waking up. And today, I am thankful that  I don’t need an emotion reading ID card, for at least one person in my life.

Peace – MFJ

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