The keys are like concrete lately. My thoughts possibly a little more molten, but sometimes feel like they are hardening. Just in the nastiest of funks, with manic chisels allowing stuff underneath the shell to melt through, glimmers of sunshine, beams of light that temporarily blind instead of illuminate.
What the hell? I meet all types, charlatans, beggars, borrowers, liars, thieves and cons dominate and I am no closer to freedom than I was two months ago, with a ticking clock and empty wallet. Just want an honest breath, a faithful dream to force its way into reality. Stomach knotted and queasy, knives dug in and I have no recourse but to feel the pain grow. I have quite the laundry list of stains from playing a bit too hard, Tide, where have you gone?
This is my brain, the way its been working lately. Frozen in fear, even though I know it’s getting better, someway, somehow beyond my reach. Can today really just be another one of those days? Where the basics are a struggle, where the autonomous is blessing enough? I put on my clothes, and am mentally winded, not really thinking I have done enough to get free. Is this some convoluted test, some higher lesson?
And sometimes, I feel like I am just going to break. Just fall into not even pieces but dust. Yet I cling, hang on and some days all I have accomplished is holding on to the frays of what is passing for sanity. Pat myself on the back for waking up the next day, but sometimes I hit myself too hard and sink…
I think today, that’s all I’ve got for the blogging world. And hopefully it is good enough.
“No mind, however loving, could bear to see plainly into all the recesses of another mind.” ~Arnold Bennett