Nothing Like the Smell of Burnt Trash in the Morning

Especially when the windows are open, just let those carcinogens right on in, breath deep, I am sure it’s cool. Just forget all that stuff about how things that smell bad typically are bad to breathe, ingest, touch, but hey, it’s all good.

Sometimes I get those moments where I look back, with a degree of accomplishment, and think to myself, today is the day a random bale of pot is thrown out of a Cesna and lands on top of me as I just stroll along the beach. At least Florida is flat, hills and valleys would open up my mind to all sorts of inventive insta-tragedies. Screw you spell check, I am not correcting that cause frankly, I really like that phrase I just coined…$0.25/use folks. I will have to put my Paypal Donate button at the end.

Words…recently a color, these things are taken and trade marked, copyrighted, whatever, so the average Joe can’t say I’m lovin it in his blog without fear of repercussion  from one of the most heinous companies on earth, the type-II diabetes, obesity & heart disease inducing shithole known as McDonald’s. Why does no one seem to have a problem when they do an ad without a single white person? No, I don’t give a shit about reverse discrimination, but have a huge one with targeting a race that has a higher incidence of the diseases I mentioned above.

Enough about them, more about things I have not planned to say. Remember, I have inhaled plenty of bizarre chemicals in my sleep. It’s my day pass, much like I used to use my lifetime membership in the Equestrian Club to justify, rationalize, or just use an excuse, pretty much every single day. Mike, you just hit a parked car. Well excuse me, but I was really high.

Today though, there is something off in life. I had a 2-hour conversation last night, that began at 1:00 AM. Some of it I probably don’t remember, but a lot of it was very valuable to me. Part motivational, part coping, mixed with the reality of maybe  I am just not where I think I am in dealing with the stuff I am claiming I am over.

I want out of this place. Making plans to do so feels so very right, because she is everywhere I look. This was our house, it forces me to remember her. I can’t move on, when I see her wedding dress hanging on the closet. I don’t want to be in a place that isn’t home. She was my home. Everything else is just stuff, objects collecting dust. My mind is right there with it, weighed down, frozen like a picture still framed of us. I’d smash it but I am torn in the moment. We were so perfect together, yet we are oceans apart now.

I need freedom. I need a life again. I can’t keep blaming something for my current occupied space being what it is. I need to truly make a life for myself. I have done it in certain aspects of my life, yet conveniently allowed other aspects to stay status quo. I hate status quo, I don’t want to be there any more and I am the ONLY reason I am still there.

No more woe is me. Yes, people have screwed me over, left me pissing into the proverbial wind, but it doesn’t need to be that way. And I won’t settle, I won’t accept the bad qualities in myself, I will change them and leave my former life & its perceptions in the dust. I want to be where I’ve never been, fully invested in myself, all in for my success.

“Don’t aim for success if you want it; just do what you love and believe in, and it will come naturally.”  ~David Frost

Later on all! – MFJ


4 thoughts on “Nothing Like the Smell of Burnt Trash in the Morning

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