Nothing like being physically drained, but having a mind that won’t disconnect itself. Constant blabbering, you’re going to go far kid, and the ensuing chaos of doubts mixed with dreams, all the while my shred of sane consciousness is screaming to just talk about this in the morning. Oh wait, it’s 6:55AM, how the hell did we get here?
While my latest little side project is lucid dreaming, and how to accomplish it, I find my progress is akin to a wounded snail in a tar pit. I don’t want to be the passenger in dreams, because I don’t want to see certain faces, don’t want to be in those old, familiar places, and spaces in my head. Looks like I need to read some more on the subject, so every night I can end up in Bali, just chilling on a hammock, with some stranger loving me. Instead, I wake up in a cold sweat, having copped, mixed and just about to blast off. Dope dreams.
I haven’t had them in months, but the last night I slept, Saturday, I had one that was like everyone I have ever had. Grandiose quantities, that sick superiority mindset, and I wake up, and smile. I don’t ever have to be sick again. It’s funny, the more distance the past and I put between us, the more desperate the disease becomes. Day to day, it’s voice is hushed, sometimes breaking through in a whisper. She hates I am over her, but she doesn’t stop since she has a home in my subconscious.
People don’t understand, coming to Florida in 2007, after all the shit I had put myself through, how after building my happily ever after, I fucked up again. Maybe I thought I could have my cake and eat it too…the dumbest expression ever…like I am going to store a piece of cake on my mantel and just appreciate it for what it is…in the end, I know the answer. Mike the human being didn’t possess much pride, while Mike the junky was filled with hubris.
Addicts are liars…pure and simple. If you have had a close relationship with me during any of my numerous runs, I have lied to you. The person I lied the most to was myself. Still, I took deluded pride in my skills as a fraud. My claim to fame, at least in my brain, was the ability to tell the truth and make it so comical that it couldn’t be real. There were moments of clarity, where I knew I was gone, that I needed to do what I could never seem to, ask for help, confess my sins.
Sometimes it’s easier to be a failure. That way any shred of success, comes as a shock. There are a lot of things that hang around even though the drugs fade further away with each passing day. The toughest days are when my back decides it needs to seize up, and I crawl to the aspirin bottle, and the freezer for my ice pack. It’s like an alarm clock for it, and it makes its one and only suggestion…Why live in pain Mike?
Maybe because I like living fuckwad. It’s a solid response, and one I use, as I pick up the phone and lean on a friend. I am a dreamer today, and I know that I can carve out some niche, no matter if I wear the scarlet F or not. That one is a great excuse, because in reality, it causes a lot of doors to slam in my face. It’s just another disguise the disease wears and has had exposed. Opportunity’s knock has overcome the din of doubt.
How much life has changed, because I have changed and continue to do so. With everything going on related with the outreach from the book, it’s really hard to stay in today. I see myself on Ellen, I see Hollywood wanting movie rights. Yes, I dare to dream, and dream big. Be unstoppable. It sucks I always remember the words of my ex- at these times, “put the effort into your book that you put into getting your pills.” She helped me so much in our last real conversations, and like Mick said, if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need.
I needed one last “abandonment” (yes, I have that issue) to finally see my role in the situation. It was indeed my fault, and daily I forgive myself a little more. Until I master the art of lucid dreaming, I settle for the lucidity of my hours awake. There is a peace in all of this, no matter how hectic it all gets.
This blog was brought to you buy Dunkin Donuts coffee and American Spirit cigarettes.
Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it. ~Mark Twain
Peace and have a super Monday……………..