If it weren’t for money and relationship issues, our lives would be pretty damn stress free! Both though are a necessary part of living on our world, and all the money in the world can’t buy the best when it comes to love or friendships.
I have trust issues. Always have, probably always will. I know the origins of this, and I was the consummate nurturer of it. I am today, a little less walled off, but in a lot of ways, my life is like that South Park episode, where the Chinese restaurant owner builds the wall and the Mongolians keep knocking down. I let my guard down, only to have something inside me rush to seal the cracks.
It’s kind of goofy, when I think about the fact I just laid my life out, literally an open book, that I still feel the need to be wary. That memoir leaves nothing out, from repressed childhood trauma, to success and ultimate failure. It scares the hell out of me sometimes, that I lived that life, that I have shared that life. Yes, there were times when I was on my last breath, where those saving me tell me just how frightening it was to see me tinted blue. Two of those people are my parents. It’s a moment frozen in my mind, taking a shot, blackness, and then coming out of it. I am not over that. I don’t want it to be me.
Maybe relationships are such a huge issue, because I am slowly fostering one with myself. Mike and me should be best of friends, but so much of me hates him. Many a therapist have told me, you can’t love someone else until you learn to love yourself. If there was one time I wanted advice to be wrong, it was when I heard this over a decade ago. Time after time, I have proven them right.
That APC song, that is at the top, Passive, inspired the title, and I laugh at the direction the blog took. Passive aggressive bullshit. That was going to be the tone, how people do seemingly innocent things knowing you will find out and feel the sting. I wanted to be angry, and I just don’t have it in me. I am burnt out on caring about other people that were supposed to stand next to me in some degree, promised they would. The silence used to deafen me, today it is producing peace.
I have met a slew of people since publishing the book. Who knew my messed up life could be an inspiration? That was the ultimate goal, helping people, but part of me had serious doubts. I laugh, one of those pained ones, when strangers support me, and a few close to me do not. It is a really great indicator of just what type of relationship was/is there. One has died, and I killed the love, she the friendship. Every cell in me wishes it could be different, but reality is what it is.
As human beings, we need others in our lives. I would joke that my dream life would be a cabin in Vermont or New Hampshire, a lifetime supply of cigarettes, coffee and scotch as I lived the reclusive author lifestyle. As I get to know myself, and most importantly, forgive myself, I know hermit isn’t in the cards. It’s kind of ironic that the words dripped out like they did, I surprise even myself, because “relationships” imply significant others, friends and family. Rarely do we think about ourselves and what it takes to get along with him/her.
Every relationship is fluid, has its tidal shifts, and its equilibrium. A great friend I haven’t seen in forever came to Florida and we met up yesterday. We caught up on life, and he told me something that resonated in my brain- it’s easier for someone to stay with you in the crazy, messed up times, than it is for them to stay with you for the clean up. Sounds very applicable to my life.
I am sifting through the carnage again, finally, after back burnering it for so long. Writing a book deflected a lot of the then present. When its progression inched up on “present day” it got really uncomfortable. I learned a lot, took those lessons to heart, but put up the same old emotional wall. Damn Mongolians! I wasn’t ready to cope.
I am through rebuilding my wall. It will crumble in time, as I get along better with the man in the mirror, and understand I survived, not to piss my life away on more drugs, but to discover my purpose. I allow faith to guide me, and put in the work to light the way (special thank you to my PR man & marketing team!).
I sincerely hope everyone’s true best friend is themselves, and that they understand without that foundation, our issues cloud any relationship we have with others. Life’s a complicated thing on the surface, but underneath it all, it is so much more simple.
A friend is one who knows you and loves you just the same. ~ Elliott Hubbard