Never Clever, Beaver’s Meat Cleaver


Theme music…press play and read away……

I am walking away. Always kind of knew actions speak louder than words, and hers have been deafening for too long. Just tell me when there’s someone else, that’s all I asked. In this big, vast planet, I was thinking at least the ink might dry before we settle into the same old faces.

Now I deal with my sins, one final time, and shed their skin. Someone asked me the other day why I put “Recovering Human Being” as my self-imposed title and not addict. Well, I am kind of sick of that guy. He’s hung around for a decade and a half, he’s been my definition for far too long, no matter the modifier in front – active or recovering. He’s a part, one I remember all the time, but he is not me. It’s all she sees, and I guess it makes it easier to judge the book by its cover, than remember who I was, the years of pure happiness we shared. Maybe it sucks for her that I have kept my shit together, when I know she and so many others predicted failure.

So, I have been walking away from more than just her, it’s everything I have known these past few years. I’m kind of a stranger in my own skin, in the place I now see as just a temporary home. I hate uncertainty. Sometimes. Other times I am thrilled to have no itinerary and just let fate steer. I’m thinking Cuba would be cool when they finally pull the plug on their despot. Maybe back to Bangkok, or Bali.

That’s why I am a recovering human being, I am tired of being pigeon-holed. My past is available for me to read any time I want, a personal history book, a laundry list of mistakes that I have finally gained the perspective to know I have come out strong. I won’t bother quoting Nietzsche, but he does have a point.

I’ll miss Ann. In a way, I have every single second since she walked out the door. At some point, I am sure I will allow my walls down to someone else. My ideal of life being pointless unless we share it with someone else, that’s changing too. My book is a window into me, my mind, my soul. Just like these blogs are, and sometimes, that type of self-exposure is difficult. A funny thing is happening though, I am seeing the whole “sharing” thing differently. Who says it needs to be my ‘soul mate,’ and new experiences? Why can’t it be old friends reconnected, new friends, strangers that see my past as a way to do some good?

I’ve already gotten tons of love from people, and the value of a few kind words goes so much further than anything I’ve experienced in a long time. I really had planned on a less serious blog when I woke up. Oh well, maybe later. Book sales have picked up a ton post-Christmas, and as I said in some other post, 2012 can’t get here soon enough. Not to shut down 2011, because that was the most important year of my life, but to spread my wings and go where life takes me with pure intentions on helping people out.

In return, I am helped. That is priceless. And all that could have been…will not be, but what will be, is going to be spectacular. Peace to all.

And for those who have asked, you can get the book here: http://www.createspace.com/3709148

Thank you all. Happy pre-New Year’s Eve.

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